How I Find Community Across Difference
Reflections on how to build bridges
On Tuesday’s episode of Staying Human, David French and I unraveled a question that sits at the center of modern life: How can we come together across divides? While the idea of breaking down walls is beautiful, the reality can be incredibly challenging. (If you missed our full conversation, here are links to watch or listen.)
It is incredibly easy to fall into the trap of thinking that community can only exist when we agree on absolutely everything. But true connection isn’t the absence of disagreement. It is often found when we choose to look past labels and see the human being right in front of us. It happens when understanding another person becomes more important than convincing them.
Where I Look for Common Ground
During my time in government (and before and after), I often encountered people whose worldviews and positions were very different from mine. These weren’t just passing conversations; these were people with whom I had to partner and collaborate to get something done for the public good.
There were two approaches I used that helped me shift from a place of frustration or judgment to a place of openness and understanding. They are remarkably simple, but they worked for me.
The first, was I would look at the person and remind myself that this is someone whose mother or father loved them deeply. It would remind me that, however they came across to me, there was something within them worthy of love and affection. Because we enter this world as a miracle to someone. At birth, our arrival brought pure joy; someone looked at us and saw a being that was beautiful and perfect. Remembering this anchors me. It forces me to look beyond the immediate frustration and recognize the dignity and humanity we all began our lives with - and it’s still there even if it’s not always visible.
The second approach was to step back and try to understand the person as a human being with shared human experiences. I would ask them questions to learn more about their life as a spouse, a parent, a son or daughter caring for aging parents, a concerned citizen, or any one of the roles that we all share. It changed how I felt about them. It created more acceptance within me of the things we disagreed on because our disagreements no longer defined the entirety of who we were. If you can talk to people about the things and the people they love, you can build a genuine foundation. Everything else—even the hardest conversations—can grow from there.
How do you find community across difference? Where do you look for common ground when a relationship or circumstance feels divided?
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Thank you, Dr. Murthy, for giving us excellent food for thought! And thank you , Samantha, for this perspective. For many, family equals love, joy, and unconditional support. Yet for others (myself included) those relationships can be incredibly stressful and painful. I agree that finding common ground around "low stakes" topics can be a wonderful way to connect with people with whom we might not ordinarily. (Dr. Murthy speaks to this, too.). I live in a neighborhood where the majority of people have vastly different political views from my own. And yet, we show up for each other again and again in small, yet meaningful ways: sharing homegrown veggies or flowers, helping find a lost pet, or sending over a dish when a loved one has passed. I always come back to this quote, from Brene Brown (I think?): "People are hard to hate up close."
I appreciate this perspective. One thing I’ve learned as a mental health clinician is that we have to be careful about where we look for common ground. Not everyone has positive experiences with family, and for some people those topics can be deeply painful or triggering.
I’ve often found that connection starts with smaller, less emotionally loaded things: food, music, pets, hobbies, favorite sports teams (let’s go Knicks!), or things that bring someone joy. Those conversations can remind us of our shared humanity without requiring people to revisit difficult parts of their lives.
Sometimes common ground isn’t found in our histories. It’s found in the simple things we enjoy, care about, or look forward to.